Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
