Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
