you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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