Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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