Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Just invented taco cereal.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Text me some of your sweat
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
