I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
