weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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