I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
