TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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