Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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