it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
