i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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