making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
