I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
