I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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