I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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