I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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