He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
