The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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