The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
