Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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