I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
