she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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