If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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