i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
