I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Randomize