He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
