I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
