I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
