I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
