I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
