Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
