Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
