Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
