I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Randomize
