Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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