Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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