I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Randomize
