It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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