when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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