I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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