I am in a vortex of obligation.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
