Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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