I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
