Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
