she woke up with a sticky ear
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
