I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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