So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize