And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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