When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Someone shattered a urinal.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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