she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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