sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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