bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
