I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
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