Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
