Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Slut skills are useful in every country.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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