What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I wish i was in the wii world.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
