A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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