I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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