Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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